TFF #6: How to Receive Criticism
Hi friend,
What happens when I say the word “criticism”?
Does it induce a panic attack? Cold sweats? Night terrors?
I don’t blame you.
Too often people offer “criticism” and “feedback” just to puff their chests or tear down the people around them.
But criticism is an essential part of the creative process.
It helps us break out of our own feedback loops and shows us our blind spots.
So in this edition of The Fearless Five, we’ll walk through five things to help you better receive and exploit criticism to improve your work and life.
1. How the brain interprets criticism.
No matter how self-aware of a person you are (or think you are), receiving criticism is tough.
But don’t beat yourself up for that. Our brains are actually wired to reject criticism.
As psychologist Daniel Goleman says, “Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically, almost as those to our very survival.”
So when we receive feedback, our brains literally interpret that as a threat to our survival.
Wow. Dramatic much?
But if you think about it, how often have you received feedback and immediately gone into the “fight or flight” mode? (I know I’ve done it more often than I care to admit.)
On top of that, our brains are really bad at remembering criticism accurately.
According to Charles Jacobs, author of Management Rewired: Why Feedback Doesn’t Work, when we hear information that conflicts with our self-image, our instinct is to first change the information, rather than ourselves.
Because negativity bias keeps us from forgetting feedback easily, our brains simply re-tool the information to portray us in a positive light.
So if you struggle to receive criticism, know that it’s not your fault.
Once you understand that simple fact, you can start to work to break out of that mold.
And here are some tips to help you do that.
2. Not all criticism is created equal.
I used to get really defensive and angry when receiving criticism.
It didn’t matter who gave it or how it was given. I just didn’t like it. (And that’s bad news for a writer and entrepreneur.)
But one day, instead of staying angry about it, I decided to interrogate this feeling.
Why was I so upset all the time?
That’s when I noticed a pattern.
When someone I trusted gave criticism, it stung a little less than when someone I didn’t trust gave it.
I learned that not all criticism is created equal.
Not everyone in the world has your best interests at heart. People give criticism to compensate for their own issues, stroke their ego, or even sometimes as a personal attack.
You should ignore those people.
Instead, you should listen to criticism from the following people:
Trusted people who genuinely have your best interests at heart and want you to be better
Disinterested people who can offer a layman’s perspective on what you’re doing
Successful people who’ve traveled the road ahead
These are the kinds of people you should listen to.
Knowing which criticism what not to listen to is just as important as knowing what to listen to.
3. One thing at a time.
According to the late Stanford professor Clifford Nass, people can only take in one critical comment at a time.
In fact, he went so far as to say, “I have stopped people and told them, ‘Let me think about this.’ I’m willing to hear more criticism but not all at one time.”
This is an important boundary to set when receiving criticism.
According to a 2017 study by five physicians analyzing the giving and receiving of feedback in a hospital setting, offering generalized feedback is unhelpful and confusing.
The person receiving feedback remains unclear about the purpose of the session, and becomes more likely to explore hidden agenda behind the session.
On the other hand, if you limit yourself to one piece of highly specific feedback, your brain has a chance to focus and work to improve.
Then, once you’ve changed that behavior, you can move on to something else.
4. Engage in an active conversation around criticism.
In a previous edition of The Fearless Five, I talked about the difference between a fixed and growth mindset.
To recap:
A fixed mindset occurs when a person believes their performance is the cause of innate characteristics that cannot be changed
A growth mindset occurs when a person believes their performance is the cause of malleable characteristics that can be improved upon
Clearly, the person with a growth mindset thrives on receiving criticism.
Not because they’re a masochist, but because they constantly want to find ways to improve.
In fact, the person with the growth mindset doesn’t just receive the criticism.
They actively engage with it.
They want to find out more about what the person said, so they can actually take a step forward to fix it:
What led you to say this? Can you provide specific examples?
Why did you notice this problem?
Is this a problem of perception or performance?
How is this impacting the work/organization? Why was offering this criticism important to you?
How would you recommend I work to overcome this?
If there’s one thing that growth mindset people are addicted to: it’s changing and improving their behaviors.
The more you engage with your criticism -- in an open, honest way -- the better you can exploit it to improve your performance.
5. Weekly resource: The Joy of Getting Feedback
If there are two words that don’t belong in the same sentence, it’s “joy” and “feedback.”
Yet, for educator and author Joe Hirsch, those two go hand in hand.
Of course, that wasn’t always the case.
Like most of us, he used to dread the idea of receiving feedback.
But all that started to change for him.
Watch his TEDx talk to find out exactly what.
Wrapping it up.
If there’s anyone in your social media network who you think needs to get better at receiving feedback, why not share this newsletter?
And if you aren’t subscribed to The Fearless Five, go ahead and sign up now. That way, you’ll always start your week off on the right foot.
Until next time,
Timothy